I am starting to become a big fan of this Hugo Schwyzer guy:
“I know all the things not to do”, one guy said; “I work really hard at being a good ally. But I sometimes feel that in order to be a good ally, I have to pretend that I’m asexual; my fear is that women won’t trust me as a friend if I show any sign of sexual desire.”
…We know what we don’t want men to be like. We know — at least many of us know — that many aspects of male sexuality are toxic and destructive. But if we’re going to build a world beyond rape, we need to find a vocabulary for desire that doesn’t rob the objects of desire of their dignity. Lust and empathy can co-exist; I’ve known it to be so in the most intimate aspects of my life and I’ve known plenty of other women and men for whom it was also so. But lots of men don’t know that this can be real in their lives, and they — and, often, the women closest to them — suffer for it.